The Rules governing your choices

One of the first steps I take to help burnt out women slow their pace down and feel relaxed and energized again, is to find out “who’s in charge” of the frantic pace in their life. There will be an internal part that is driving her to do, and go, and be So much to so many people.

Usually one of the parts driving this frantic pace is her Rulemaker.. – the one who has all the rules about how she should be. Some common rules are:

“I should be competent and know what I’m doing at all times” (even if I’ve never done something before)

“I should be a can-do person” (even if I can’t)

“I should be able to balance work, family, heath and spiritual wellbeing regardless of how much sleep, exercise or support I have”

“I should be humble and approachable”

“I should ambitious and committed to my goals”

Whatever she values and has had deep experiences with in her life, she will have rules about that thing. If she’s been working in corporate, she’ll have rules about her level of professionalism. If she’s explored healthy eating, she’ll have rules about what and when and how she eats etc. Someone who grew up in poverty or abuse with have a different rule set to someone who didn’t (eg. “I cannot appear clueless about money”, “I have to have the perfect family (or Else)…” etc).

Regardless of the topics of the rules, one thing is common. When you put all your rules together it will be impossible to achieve them all. Your Rulemaker is not interested in achievability.. but in having you meet the “standards” compiled from everyone you have admired and wanted to emulate or everything you didn’t want to follow. Your Rulemaker will be connected to a Pusher part (the one who wakes you up like an incessant coach first thing in the morning “Right! What have we got on today? let’s make a list.. come one!”) and a Critic (the one who compares you and your progress to everybody else and the standards the Rulemaker sets).

When you do this process to meet these parts, you’ll be aware of the Rulemaker when you hear the thoughts “I need to/ I have to/ it’s not ok not to…”. Then you have the opportunity to Choose whether these rules are important and valid to you today. We often find some rules are just unquestioned or outdated, passed on from family or society – and simply do not fit you or your life as you are now. Which often becomes the case when you’re nearing exhaustion/burnout.. because it’s often your rules that have gotten you here.

Doing this process helps to make all of this conscious so you don’t keep running (what may be an unrealistic or outdated) operating system. It takes the automatic “I MUST” out of the dynamic and creates this attuned, aware and listening relationship between you and your life.

After years of doing trauma work with folk to heal and resolve highly stressed states in the nervous system, I’ve found that doing this step early on, creates so much self-understanding, compassion and then space and momentum to make new choices arising from self-connection and authenticity, and something way more life-enhancing for you.

This forms the second step of the Reset Formula that I run, helping exhausted successful women move from frantic pace to calm and grace.

We start by clarifying your definition of unconditional success (what would feel like success for You if you included your heart and body and well-being?), then we create this healthy dialogue and dynamic between your inner parts; so you can relax and allow your heart to lead more. We create healthy boundaries around your time, energy and your word, with a powerful process for communicating boundaries that creates more closeness and trust (rather than hard walls or collapsed giving-in again) and more capacity for you to feel safe being in touch with your feelings and inner longings. Then we support your overall mental and emotional balance with nervous system regulation and healing processes that will help you create a new foundation for the rest of your life. The Reset program finishes with a focus on pleasure and building your capacity to include More of it as you design your life from a new state and place.

This program is ideal for women who have great capacity to succeed and get things done, but who are craving a new way to do what they’re great at that doesn’t cost them their health or joy. It’s a 3.5month 1:1 program with ongoing group support afterwards, some self directed processes and resources to build your resilience and feel enlivened again. As we’re coming into Xmas, you could begin within the next week, and move through the first 2 phases and first 2 1:1 sessions before we take a break over Xmas to integrate for a few weeks.

If this sounds like just what you need, please reach out through the contact form. I’ll ask you some questions to see if you’re a good fit for getting these results and we could begin within the week.

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