If you start with that (incorrect) sentiment, everything after that tends to be an apology, avoidance or discount of your lived reality

“I’m not really scared, I’m ok”

“Yes you can have that thing (that makes my belly tightened as I think of giving it away.. my belly really shouldn’t be tightening and I wish it wouldn’t)”

If we start instead with the presumption that your experience is valid, your needs important and your feelings precious and to be treated with honour and tenderness …

There’s no reason to over ride your experience or needs in favour of someone else’s*. No reason to say yes when you mean no, no reason to discount You in favour of someone else.

(*Unless we’re talking about parenting a dependant child)

If we start from that place, everything is an opportunity for honest sharing of your internal world. And when you honestly share your internal world without belittling, or denying it, the world will show you who is to be trusted and who isn’t.

You will naturally move away from the people who disrespect or deny your experience, and naturally move towards those who have space, time and care for you. Because they behave like they love you having boundaries, and that makes for healthy relationship.

If you have trouble setting boundaries, one of the most helpful things you can do is Externalise them. The more external a boundary is, and the earlier you set it, the less effort and emotion you’ll need to maintain it. And when you make a boundary solid (for example, written down) it becomes something you can refer to “over there”.

This advice comes partly from a wonderful talk a teacher gave at my daughters Steiner school. She shared how she got her teen to go along with boundaries around bedtimes during her last year at high school. This teacher wrote the boundaries down and stuck them to the fridge door.

When the daughter would (as teens do) argue and complain that:“Nobody else has the same rules and everybody else gets to stay up as late as they want!!”…

This teacher would point to the rules on the fridge, say “I’m so sorry darling, the rules say you need to get 8hrs sleep a night. That’s just the way it is.”

The girl would argue some more, trying out different angles to see if the boundaries would bend. And each time, her mother would commiserate, and say “I’m sorry darling, it’s the rules right there on the fridge.”

She didn’t give excuses, get into dialogues about the reasons why, explain or try to cajole. The level of emotional effort was low, giving room for the emotional care to be high.

To be clear, sometimes teens will go against boundaries because they’re in a process of differentiating themselves from you. Just as some people will choose not to follow speed limits when they drive, and some work mates will avoid your plea for support or a relegation of tasks. This is where you’d get super clear where Your line is. What you’re willing to take part in and at what level (by exploring your values and your desired direction in life). Do you want to be in a work situation where you are taking on all the responsibility for another year or 5 years? Do you want to have time to relax and explore hobbies and be with the people you love? If this is what you want.. you can put boundaries and timelines in place for the changes that will need to happen. And point at this boundary and need of yours when someone questions or tries to make you shift on your values and needs.

When the boundaries are clear, it means you can make plans based on what you want, rather than needing to expend tons of energy arguing about the boundaries. In my experience, people Want you to hold your boundaries and do what you say you will do. It gives them a sense of ground and certainty and that they can trust your word (no matter how much they might argue with you that they need you to bend it). It also makes you more trustworthy to yourself.

If you’d like deep and grounded support for getting your over-stretched life relaxed, nourished and free, you might Love the Reset Method.

This is a 3.5month 1:1 program that will teach you foundational skills for healthy, firm, resilient boundaries. It will give you an effective method for finding and communicating your desires and needs, in a way that encourages support and care coming towards you, rather than being ignored or taken for granted.

Included in this is nervous system regulation (so you can manage your emotions, thoughts and state from the inside and not need to control or manage the outside in order to feel safe)… and support to bring more pleasure, joy and connectedness into your life once you have more space and time for you.

If this sounds like what you need, reach out via the contact form and we can have a short chat to see if you’re a fit for the program.

much love!

Amanda