The most common reason for this is there’s a subconscious investment in “being the competent one”.

My clients are often women who had to be independent from an early age, and who have a very strong and capable “doer” part.

A part is like a sub-personality within each of us that hold emotions, perceptions, and belief systems, and that affect our behaviour and emotional wellness. Parts are either with us from birth (a soul aspect of self like being-ness, space or deep abiding calm) or develop in childhood and through life to help us cope and adapt (like the Strategist, the Rebel, the Pusher, the Critic etc).

So for someone who Needed to be competent and adult before their time, they will often develop this strong part that’s very good at getting things done, taking charge when others cant or wont, removing their own emotionality, supporting others at the expense of themselves and just taking care of business.

This strong part will often squash or deny the more vulnerable needy parts in the person in order to create a feeling of safety. When we are competent and strong, we don’t feel the incredible vulnerability of Having needs and being vulnerable to others’ responses (or lack of responses) to them. This dynamic sets up a struggle between the primary (competent) part and the disowned (vulnerable and needy) part. (To be clear, sometimes a person will have a primary part who is needy and in a victim stance – “I cant do this, I need help” etc, and will repress their inner strength and capacity – we’re just talking about the other version for now).

Clients like this often come to me exhausted and feeling like they’ve managed to do all these amazing things, (and survive incredible hardship) but they feel very sad or lonely or even desperate inside.

When we literally speak to each of the parts in turn, we find the root of the sadness in a disowned part so it can be integrated gracefully into your life. This is super healing and transformative for an over-achiever,.. and also can be very tender and a bit scary because its so new/unknown.

When we do this, rather than running with this hard-edge “I’m fine” attitude, you’ll also have access to the softness in you, and be more open to receiving the love and support you might be craving (which your strong, competent part has been keeping out till now).

This process forms one of the first phases of my Reset Program for exhausted successful women. We meet the parts of you that have been criticizing or pushing you to Just Keep Doing, and invite the other, softer and more connected parts to come forward. We help you create healthy boundaries (around your time, energy and communications), you get core tools so you can manage your emotional, physical and mental state, we heal the core stress drivers stuck in your nervous system (the reasons you cant sleep well or get foggy brained when you’re stressed) and we expand your capacity to hold and feel pleasure as you plan out a new way of doing life.

This is a complete package to walk you from hectic pace to calm and grace It includes 1:1 sessions, group processes, an accountability coach (cause yes, sometimes we do need accountability to do these important, lovely things for ourselves) and unlimited email support over 3.5months (we’ll break over xmas).

This’ll be a match for you if you have achieved success in your external world (business, finances and “achieving” in general) and are over-ready to stop pushing yourself so hard.

Reach out through the contact form if this sounds good for you, I’ll ask you some questions to see if you are a fit and we could begin next week.

Usually one of the parts driving this frantic pace is her Rulemaker.. – the one who has all the rules about how she should be. Some common rules are:

“I should be competent and know what I’m doing at all times” (even if I’ve never done something before)

“I should be a can-do person” (even if I can’t)

“I should be able to balance work, family, heath and spiritual wellbeing regardless of how much sleep, exercise or support I have”

“I should be humble and approachable”

“I should ambitious and committed to my goals”

Whatever she values and has had deep experiences with in her life, she will have rules about that thing. If she’s been working in corporate, she’ll have rules about her level of professionalism. If she’s explored healthy eating, she’ll have rules about what and when and how she eats etc. Someone who grew up in poverty or abuse with have a different rule set to someone who didn’t (eg. “I cannot appear clueless about money”, “I have to have the perfect family (or Else)…” etc).

Regardless of the topics of the rules, one thing is common. When you put all your rules together it will be impossible to achieve them all. Your Rulemaker is not interested in achievability.. but in having you meet the “standards” compiled from everyone you have admired and wanted to emulate or everything you didn’t want to follow. Your Rulemaker will be connected to a Pusher part (the one who wakes you up like an incessant coach first thing in the morning “Right! What have we got on today? let’s make a list.. come one!”) and a Critic (the one who compares you and your progress to everybody else and the standards the Rulemaker sets).

When you do this process to meet these parts, you’ll be aware of the Rulemaker when you hear the thoughts “I need to/ I have to/ it’s not ok not to…”. Then you have the opportunity to Choose whether these rules are important and valid to you today. We often find some rules are just unquestioned or outdated, passed on from family or society – and simply do not fit you or your life as you are now. Which often becomes the case when you’re nearing exhaustion/burnout.. because it’s often your rules that have gotten you here.

Doing this process helps to make all of this conscious so you don’t keep running (what may be an unrealistic or outdated) operating system. It takes the automatic “I MUST” out of the dynamic and creates this attuned, aware and listening relationship between you and your life.

After years of doing trauma work with folk to heal and resolve highly stressed states in the nervous system, I’ve found that doing this step early on, creates so much self-understanding, compassion and then space and momentum to make new choices arising from self-connection and authenticity, and something way more life-enhancing for you.

This forms the second step of the Reset Formula that I run, helping exhausted successful women move from frantic pace to calm and grace.

We start by clarifying your definition of unconditional success (what would feel like success for You if you included your heart and body and well-being?), then we create this healthy dialogue and dynamic between your inner parts; so you can relax and allow your heart to lead more. We create healthy boundaries around your time, energy and your word, with a powerful process for communicating boundaries that creates more closeness and trust (rather than hard walls or collapsed giving-in again) and more capacity for you to feel safe being in touch with your feelings and inner longings. Then we support your overall mental and emotional balance with nervous system regulation and healing processes that will help you create a new foundation for the rest of your life. The Reset program finishes with a focus on pleasure and building your capacity to include More of it as you design your life from a new state and place.

This program is ideal for women who have great capacity to succeed and get things done, but who are craving a new way to do what they’re great at that doesn’t cost them their health or joy. It’s a 3.5month 1:1 program with ongoing group support afterwards, some self directed processes and resources to build your resilience and feel enlivened again. As we’re coming into Xmas, you could begin within the next week, and move through the first 2 phases and first 2 1:1 sessions before we take a break over Xmas to integrate for a few weeks.

If this sounds like just what you need, please reach out through the contact form. I’ll ask you some questions to see if you’re a good fit for getting these results and we could begin within the week.

There’s a way to maintain your healthy boundaries around requests and agreements even when you feel torn and uncertain. The keys to this are to start with what you Do know and communicate from that place.

To do this, you want to:

1. Be able to know and name your experience and feelings (even if it’s just to yourself)

2. Be willing to sit in the unknown and let your inner experience be your boundary.

I’ll give you an example.

Say you’re arguing with your ex partner about the care of your child. He wants more time with Timmy during the week and you want to have the whole school week with Timmy so his routine isn’t disrupted. You would also Love to go to a new yoga class on Wednesday nights, but your worry about Timmy’s balance is nagging you. If your boundaries are a bit melty, you might struggle but end up saying ok cause you’re worried your ex will withdraw all child care if he doesn’t get his way (you worry what you lose if you say no). The result of melty boundaries will tend to feel like confusion, focus on the other, anxiety and internal collapse.

If your boundaries are more rigid, you might hear the request and say a strong no, and be unbending as your ex tries to discuss or negotiate. The rigidness stops back and forth dialogue, but it also tends to create less connection (to self and other), less trust, more distance and less easiness in the dynamic for future discussions.

But, if you were to try this method below, you’d hear your ex’s request and pause to check what you feel and think. (If you’ve got a history of melty boundaries, you might not actually know what you think or feel other than squirmy discomfort or worry. This is a good starting place).

Boundaries are what define the difference between you and I. I feel hot, you feel cold. You feel angry, I feel peaceful. These are undeniable things happening within the boundaries of your own experience. So your ex (let’s just call him Fred), cannot argue with your statement that you feel squirmy discomfort or worry, because it’s just what you feel. (Or – he can, but then he would be crossing over into your boundaries). Your boundary does not have to be a clear and concise statement. A boundary can actually be a statement of your thoughts, feelings or sensations.

This is how the conversation might go:

Fred: “I want to have Timmy on Wednesday nights”

You: .. pause… …. “I feel squirmy and a bit worried about that”

Fred: “I’d really like to have more time with Timmy than just weekends” You: (…finding a bit more clarity as you sit with the squirm and worry) “Ah, I’m worried that a change in routine would disrupt his sleep and schooling and make him moody again”

Notice, you haven’t said yes or no yet.

Fred: “But he needs his dad in his life, I want to see him on Wednesdays”

You: “Yeah, I’m just feeling worried about the disruption”

Fred might try to convince you you’re not worried or don’t need to be worried. If you just stick to what you know (“I feel… “, ” I am … ” etc.) this can be your healthy and listening boundary.

You are not putting up a rigid wall, and you are not collapsing to try to make it work. It’s a healthy boundary because you’re not overriding your own experience in order to bring harmony or agreement or an end to the discussion, and you’re not making Fred’s desires wrong.

So, where this conversation can go (because you haven’t prematurely acted) is that solutions could start being offered. Or.. if there’s underlying difficult dynamics with your ex, they may come up to be aired or spoken (with the same “I feel…” “I want…” honesty). Either way, you’re staying available to the moment and honest about your inner needs and experience. In an ideal world, the chat would continue like this:

Fred: “well….. I can pick him up from school and make sure he eats early?”

You: “That feels better…. (pause).. Could we cancel his after school classes on Tuesdays as well so he’s not so tired coming to you?”

Fred: “yes, I’m willing to do that. We can also try for a week or 2 and see how it goes?”

You: “Yes. That feels good”

So, you have a clear agreement, you stood firm in your own feelings and thoughts and needs (even when you weren’t quite clear yet what they were) and you didn’t override yourself. This kind of communication of boundaries even before you know what you want allows for back and forth negotiation, and more importantly, Listening. Notice as well that (in our example) nobody made anyone’s desires or feelings wrong (like “you’re selfish for wanting more time with him… ” or “Stop being so emotional, he’ll be fine” etc). We only do that kind of emotional blame or finger pointing when we’re trying to get the other person to stop feeling, wanting or saying what they’re saying. Which is none of our business (or within our own boundaries).

What IS your business (and thing to stand for) is what goes on within the boundaries of your own skin, heart and mind.

This is an example of how you can have connection and healthy boundaries when you’re feeling torn without collapsing or building a wall. And get your extra yoga class (or night off) at the same time. A win-win.

And this is one of the keys to becoming your own hero/champion and including yourself and your own needs in negotiations about childcare, work and project commitments and all the responsibilities of life.

Because, even though you Can do everything (be the loving mum, the successful biz woman, the considerate ex), life works way better when all of You is included and cared for in the process.

Mastering this process is part of how I help successful women stop taking on too much responsibility. Because it teaches them to listen and be patient as they decode their own inner experience, thoughts and needs, and then express them into the negotiations for what they do with their energy and time.

This is huge in shifting patterns of over-giving and exhausting themselves agreeing to things that end up costing them more energy in the future.

There’s a epidemic of over worked, over-stretched successful women in the world and healthy boundaries, a regulated nervous system and a friendly understanding of the ego drives that push us to over-give and become so exhausted is the pathway out that I offer.

If you need to gain your energy and time back from over-commitments, and want to learn how to have and communicate boundaries in a way that is firm and receptive, I run a wonderful 3.5 month 1:1 intensive to help women do just this.

We help you first to disengage from the worship of busy, to make your life an invitation for rejuvination, receptivity and rest. You get simple and profound tools for building healthy, courageous boundaries and the skilled guidance in uprooting the programmed responses and behaviours that have had you returning to the overworked, exhausted place over and over again.

The 3.5 month 1:1 program is online, with 9 long sessions, up to 4 laser coaching calls/month, online learning modules and unlimited email support. It’s ideal for you if you have done more than a beginners inner work and are committed to using your spot on the earth to create wonderful things (without burning out).

Reach out through the contact form if you’re interested, I’ll ask you a few questions to see if you’re a fit and we could begin within a week.

We work together for 3 months on the following things:

1. Meeting the critical, comparing voice inside that drives you to be so busy (that show up as endless lists of things to do, or criticisms of how you’re doing based on unrealistic standards). You learn how to reduce the amount of power these parts have in your life and invite other parts of you forwards that know how create the healthy balance and self-love you desire.

2. Creating healthy boundaries with your communications and responsibilities. Many women who’ve been in survival mode’s boundaries are non-existent, rigid or collapsed. This step will help you find what you want and need and give you the tools and safety to express this in a firm and clear way that doesn’t cut people or connection out. This step is about empowering you to stay soft and firm as you build a new way of life. We also focus here on giving you clear structures around self-care, work and personal commitments so your phone and emails don’t intrude, and your family commitments support you rather than drain you.

3. Regulating your nervous system to balance your emotional, physical and mental state. Your nervous system is the source of your automatic and repetitive behaviours, so when you learn how to regulate this primal operating system you create foundational flexibility and responsiveness (as opposed to brittle, reactiveness) and reduce the amount that stress and trauma stays in your body and brain. You also build your ability to feel and experience pleasure and rejuvenation. In this step, we address lingering, unprocessed trauma that may have had you stuck in activated and “on” states or shut down and numb so much of the time.

4. And once we have all these elements in place, we complete the program with practices and processes to help you open to receive pleasure and relaxation in new ways, and design your new life from this newly Reset place.

You get 9 x 1.5hr sessions, 9 x 15min laser coaching calls, homeplay practices and unlimited email contact to help you through the process.

In order to qualify for this offer, you must:

1. Be looking for a pivotal change in the way success looks and feels for you (and ideally be looking for mentoring to help you land more fully in your body and out of your head),

2. Have the capacity to feel your feelings, and have done some reasonably consistent mindfulness processes in your life,

3. Deeply value being a positive impact in your world (even if you don’t have energy to be that now).

4. And not be currently suffering from autoimmune conditions (this method is hugely supportive if you do have autoimmune conditions, but it would likely take longer than 3 months to get you the to results).

The investment for this life changing Reset is mid-four figures, which compared to the time, energy and money spent trying to follow the mindset, therapy or nutritional pathways to change your base operating state, (plus the expense on your health, relationships and overall quality of life in the meantime), is a total no-brainer. With this program, (as long as you qualify) you will have everything you need to avoid burnout and feel connected and inspired to create a life that you love again.

If you’re interested in this offer, just reach out on the contact form and we’ll have a quick chat to see if it’s a fit for you.